Nonchalance robbed me of love

thoughts of a woman in her mid-20s with no -ships on the horizon

I was 18 when I first learnt that love was embarrassing. Not because anyone told me so but because I lived it. I sent long, heartfelt texts. I made playlists titled after inside jokes. I confessed crushes like they were some grand act of bravery. I was, in every sense of the word, earnest. And for a while, it was fun until I realised that the world rewarded the opposite.

The word on the market was to care less.

At some point, the internet got there too. Nonchalant became the most attractive thing a person could be. There’s an entire ecosystem built on it. Posts about texting back four hours later, reels reminding you to never double text, tweets that say ‘If he wanted to, he would’ as if every act of affection is a test and not a leap of faith. We act like wanting love is desperate and the modern dating game is just one long exercise in pretending we don’t care while hoping the other person secretly does.

And maybe that’s why I feel so far removed from love these days. Not because I’ve stopped wanting it but because I’ve learnt to be ashamed of wanting it too much.

Earlier, I used to be someone who believed in effort. I didn’t see love as a game of withholding, of power plays, of who can make who wait the longest. I thought it was something you were supposed to run towards with open arms because what was the point of anything else? I know the younger version of me got her heart broken. I know she was cringe sometimes. I know she tried too hard. But at least she tried.

Now, I think about love the way I think about some great, exhausting hobby I used to have. Something I was once deeply invested in but don’t have the energy for anymore. I used to put my heart on the line like it was the most natural thing in the world. Now, I have to remind myself to care.

Somewhere between 18 and 25, between loving loudly and loving sparingly, I lost something.

Or maybe I let it go.

And the thing is, I don’t think love has ever really belonged to the ones who care less. I think it belongs to the ones who show up. The ones who don’t let their pride dictate their heart. The ones who text back even when they don’t know if they should. The ones who risk looking foolish because looking foolish is better than looking back and realising you never tried at all.

So maybe I want back in.

Maybe I’m done playing it cool.